March Madness

Well, its the first day of Spring and they are talking about 9 inches of snow. I want to plant these tulips I saw in some ones front yard, not shovel my driveway. Lexi had a fabulous birthday and a wonderful birthday party. Why?? Cuz she deserves it. She also went and did awesome at the Dr's for her 3 year check up. Hopefully she will be that good when I take her to Childrens on April 1st. But, Im not holding my breath. I'm still in limbo over my life and its disgusting and I hate my life. I just dont know what to do, I think I do but I already know I wont do. I think Im going to give myself till April 1, 2008. Im not telling anyone thats how long they have to change or Im going to see a lawyer. That is just how it will be. But I really have to start sticking to it. I think that it should be: J should have Lexi's room done or almost done by April 1st. That should be enough time for a big dent into that room. At least if we got her room done I could clear out some shit in the basement. Maybe thats what I'll start doing on Saturday if J is actually working in the bedroom. DESTROY THE BASEMENT. I think that would be fun. Its just like a dog chasing her tail, thats how I feel. Run, Run, Run and you never catch anything.

A Reminder

If you love someone please tell them before its too late. And if you stop loving them, let them know also. It will be much appreciated in the long run. Thanks alot.

Laziness

I have come to realize how lazy I am. Not the fact that I sit on the couch all day, the fact that I'm to lazy to change my life around. And make myself happy. Now instead of complaining about how life is unfair and I hate my life, you would think I would start to change it. Nope, not I. That's why I am LAZY. And its starting to disgust myself. I keep saying this is my year, just like the past 15 years, yet nothings changes. I live to be miserable I guess. Why do I put myself thru this. No one can change me, I need to change myself. I have made yet another list to get to the root of why I am unhappy and yet most of it is because Im to lazy to change. I have good intentions, I just dont follow thru. Yet I always give good advice to people on how to change their lifes. Yet instead of taking my own advice, I do nothing but be miserable. Why do I do this, I ask myself. I dont know why I dont change, its not like I need to do alot to change, just small things. Like working out and quit drinking so much damn pop. Do I stop drinking the pop and exercise. No, Im too depressed to get out of bed in the morning and exercise. How sad has my life become. Ok, enough complain....Im off to change :)

2008

Happy New Year. I cant believe its 2008, what happened to 2007. Well this has to be my year. I had a horrible New Years Day and I am refusing to spend 2008 miserable and fat. Things have to change and no one can do that for me, but myself. So I started my New Year on 01/02, I havent done anything special or anything Im just trying not to be so miserable and depressed. I should be grateful and I am about certain things. Im just tired of living the way I do. Its to complicated to explain how f-ed up my life is. So Im not going to complain any more Im just going to change it. And if hes not on the ride then I guess he will be left behind. And that is that.

Christmas Spirit

Where did my Christmas spirit go? I seem to have it w/Lexi and as long as I'm away from home, its there. Yet as soon as I walk thru that door. I lose it..mostly because he enjoys making my life miserable. He is just a miserable person and chooses to help me get out of the Christmas spirit. Its all a big fight and I'm sick of him and this going no where non existence relationship. I should of never bought that house w/him. I always end up making the most stupidest mistakes. And Im sick of it and Im sick of him and Im sick of having a crappy Christmas season, because of him. Im sick of it all, nothing ever changes w/us and I know he will never change. So I guess its up to me to change and if I change that much...I will have to leave him. Im sure he really doesnt care either way. He is not good for me, why could I see this before..I think I always knew, I was tired of being alone and I wanted someone...Someone like my Dad and my BIL, who help out around the house, who cooks and cleans and doesnt expect something in return. He does one thing around our house, he expects a damn reward. WTF???

I sometimes just wish Christmas was over, how sad is that. Its my most favorite time of the year. It just feels ruined this year.

December

Its Christmas time again and Im not really in the Holiday spirit. Which is no surprise. Yesterday morning before I left for church I was sitting on the floor waiting for Lexi's Monster movie to rewind. She came up behind me and Said: dont worry, its okay. And for the first time I believed everything was going to be okay. I have been praying that things change for the better and I feel them coming. Althou, nothing will ever be perfect. I have to find a way to see beyond the imperfections and accept the good things in my life. Lexi is getting so big and you never know what will come out of her mouth. Its just one thing after another and I love it. Maybe I am starting to get into the Holiday spirit. I need some good cheer.

Time Flies

Did you ever sit back and think the world is passing you by..while you are waiting for something to happen. I woke up today and realized the summer was over and I was bummed. I wanted to play outside w/Lexi some more, I wanted to swim in the pool some more, I wanted to do many things and I feel I have done nothing. Its just upsets me since I felt so busy and rushed all summer long, and really in the end nothing was accomplished. We are moving now and thats just more stress on me. More things to rush, less time w/Lexi. It always seems to be something. One thing or another that keeps making me feel like Im stuck w/no where to go. I just hope after moving everything starts to work out for me and Lexi. So we can play outside some more, go for walk do all the things I wanted to do w/her this summer. I'm tired of rushing I just want to enjoy my life but it keeps flying by. Some one made a comment about how I cant wait for Lexi to grow up and thats not true I would love to keep my little baby. I would love to do it all over again. And not make the mistakes I did. Spend more time holding her instead of cleaning and just spend more time w/her and forget the rest.....